a new challenge

Well, I have officially accepted the position of nursery manager for our church. Now, I have worked in the nursery for several years, and was quite content to be told when to show up, what to do while I was there, and when to leave. But, when our current nursery manager resigned a month ago, the higher ups came to me immediately and asked if I was interested. My initial answer was a great big NO. I thought about it for a while, then told them I might consider it, depending upon what it entailed. I had one sticking point, though, and they had one sticking point, both of which were linked to one another. "They" (the church higher ups) wanted me to physically be in the church every Sunday from 7:50am until 12:30pm....I did not necessarily have to be in the nursery for all of the those hours, nor do I think that they wanted me to be clocked in for all of those hours, but just be in the building...you know, just in case. This was their sticking point. I, however, was adamant that I was not going to be in the church from 7:50am until 12:30pm, whether it be in the nursery, in worship, or whatever. I told them that I would be there for the 11:00am service & on an as needed, emergency basis for the other two services. That was my sticking point. (A little background: Our church has two "campuses". One in Manassas & one in Haymarket ((which is new)). I used to go to the one in Manassas, but I started going to the one in Haymarket when it opened in November because I do not care at all for the minister in Manassas. My theory is that if I don't care for the person delivering the message, then I'm going to miss the message. I know, I shouldn't "kill the messenger", but it's the way I feel, and I feel that I get more from the minister in Haymarket, so that's where I go).

Anyway, long story short (actually, it's too late for that), "they" obviously decided that if they wanted someone for the job, they were going to have to bend a little (another background tidbit: no one else was interested in even talking about taking this position on, so it was me or no one, and the clock was ticking).

So, here I am, somewhat wondering what I've gotten myself into. The description that I was given during the talking/interviewing process vaguely resembles the description that was handed down after taking the job. YIKES....I did, however, tell them that I would do contingent upon a 60 day probationary period. If I feel that it's a fit for me, then I'll stay on...same goes for them.

They are looking for a major overhaul of their nursery structure as it is now, and while I feel that I'm up to the task, I hate failing, and I've never had a job where I was also taking care of my own children at the same time. I feel like I keep adding to my plate and not removing anything...oh yeah, I'm also chairperson of the prize committee for Bryn's after prom party.

ANTM

C'mon....admit it. You know what the acronym is.....say it with me....America's Next Top Model. It's one of my (secret) guilty pleasures...one of them. I really don't know why I watch it and it's not like I seek it out....it's just there sometimes when I'm flipping through. Anyway, whenever I watch it, I end up walking around the house for days after wearing my 4" heels doing my model walk....my entire house becomes a cat walk.

I think that if I put half as much effort into developing a routine for my life as I do into practicing my model walk, I would not be in a perpetual state of CHAOS (thanks Teresa!)

Oh, and by the way, I totally resent (not resemble) Tree's remark about being her very, very old friend!

teacher for a day

That's what I was this morning...thankfully I did not have to teach either of my two youngest boys classes. When I went in this morning to drop them off, I did not have any intentions of staying to teach a class, but since I work there in the nursery, and the director had exhausted all of her regular subs, she asked if I could PLEASE do it. Monday's are my day off, but I figured that what I had planned to do this morning most likely wouldn't get done even if I were at home by myself, that I might as well teach. The teacher had left me some sketchy (very sketchy) details about what she did, and the rest was just flying by the seat of my pants. Of course, the kids kept telling me what their teacher did when I wasn't doing it (most of the time) and I reminded them that I was their substitute teacher, so it was okay. The majority of the kids in there are from the Awana class that I teach, so they're used to my "style" (or lack thereof). Pretty uneventful until recess when Michael got in trouble by his teacher for pushing another child, and threw a HUGE tantrum, mainly because he thought since I was there, his teacher couldn't punish him. I guess he found out otherwise. His teacher was amazed as this is the first time that he has ever behaved like that for her.....if only I were so lucky!

Well, duty calls (or rather doody!)....

Amazed

For lack of a better word, I'll use that one. I got back not to long ago from a friend's house. I had taken a meal over for her & her family, which consists of her husband, their 8 children ranging in age from 14 years to 10 weeks. The reason for the meal is twofold: 1) they have a newborn & 2) their 4 year old daughter, Maggie, (my Michael's buddy) has Leukemia. She was diagnosed with approximately 4 weeks prior to the birth of the baby. What amazes me about this family is the quiet calmness in which they have handled everything that God has given to them these last few months. They do not look at Maggie's ALL as a curse but rather as a blessing, in some odd sort of hard to comprehend way (not that they wouldn't have minded skipping this particular blessing)....that they trust in the Lord to provide them with the strength to handle whatever comes their way, and so far, they have. I admire both Maureen (my friend) & Shannon (her husband) so much...I have been shown, through them, what physical strength, tolerance, trust & courage are, personified. Throughout all that has been going in their lives (and the children are home schooled to boot), whenever I go to their house, it is calm. Not quiet, not still, just calm. Kids are playing, but not screaming. Perhaps I've just hit it at the right times, as I have seen Maggie & her younger sister Jane, in action, and they certainly can give Michael & Daniel a run for their money. My favorite verse is always in the back of my mind and I just need to listen to it a little bit more because I think I have seen the verse in human form in this family.

~I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me~
Philippians 4:13

Stagnating

I often times wondering if that is what my life is doing...stagnating. Stagnating....I don't even know if I used correctly or not, that's how "dumbed down" I feel. I absolutely want to stay home with my two younger children and be there for my oldest so that make sure that he is heading in the right direction, so to speak, but I want to enjoy it now and not look back when they are in school and think of all the things that I could have done, or should have done, to make this time more meaningful for them & for me. The problem with that is, I don't know how to do it. I mean, I try, and I have the best of intentions, but often times they fall short. In all of my other jobs, I have always been so proficient, so organized, so on task, all the time....why is this job so much different? It has been four years, and I often where did the time go? Why haven't I even gotten ONE project done? Where did the organization & planning skills go? If raising my kids is my job, shouldn't those skills just flow in the same way that they do when I have an office job?

I don't know, I suppose all of the profound blogs of the LP's have gotten the wheels turning in my head and making me take a better look at who I am and more importantly where I am. I mean, about marriage. I do see myself growing old with my spouse, but at this point, that's all I see. Growing old. What will we do? Will we have friends? Will we be friends? What will we talk about if we are both retired? And about "mid life crises"...I like who I am now and where I am now, but sometimes I just think, what if....I mean, it's only natural (isn't it??). And now, as I approach the last year in my 3rd decade of living, I wonder...will I have a mid-life crisis? Am I having one now? How will I know if I do? So many questions with not enough answers (nor time to try to figure them out!)

RANT RANT or WAANT WAANT

You decide. This is just a b*tch, because my husband won't care. Well, he might, but he won't be home until about 10:00pm and I'm PMS'ing so I need to say this NOW.

I work only 3 days a week, (TU, W & F) from 9:00am until 12:00pm. My days "off" are Monday & Thursday. Well, last Monday I worked a shift for a fellow nursery worker & will be working another shift for her again tomorrow/Thursday (she did not take any of mine). I had something come up and needed her to work for me this Tuesday, to which she replied that she has a bible study & can't work Tuesdays. I realize that she enjoys this bible study, but what makes her bible study more important than my days off. Of course I realize that I could have said no, but that really isn't my way. If someone needs something, I will be more than happy to provide it, but I would also like to think that the person asking would do the same in return. Evidently, not the case. I guess in the future if she asks me to work for her, I will have to politely decline because I'm quite sure that I will have something going on at that time. I know you are not supposed to hold a grudge, or let revenge lead your actions, but I tend to not look at it as revenge, but rather as just simply being busy (all the time, every time, she asks for me to take a shift!). Evil.....yes I am. >:)

There is more to life than increasing its speed

The title of this blog, while it sounds good, doesn't really fit my "lifestyle". I need at least 8 more hours in my day and the ability to be on task all of the hours that I am awake. I need to be able to rise at 4:30am, have a cup of coffee, get in the shower & be dressed & ready for the day, by 5:00am would be good. I always have good intentions, a plan laid out in my head, but somewhere along the line, my intentions falter, the plans get changed, etc. I feel a constant knot in my stomach, a feeling that I have missed something, and usually I have. I feel like a Stretch Armstrong doll, being pulled at by my kids & my husband, all of whom are competing for my attention, all of whom want it NOW and all of whom want the attention to be undivided.

Bryn, my 16 year old son told me last night, after my prompting of course, that he does not feel that living here with us, or living at his dads house, is "conducive to his education career". What the hell is that? His "education career" (as he puts it) is a mess. We have gone from tutor to tutor, had conference after conference with his teachers & counselors at school, all to no avail. He told us that he "feels like he is in a hole & doesn't know how to get out" and that he "knows his grades are bad, but (he) doesn't care".

I guess I should back up a bit about Bryn. He let Brian and I know about 2 weeks ago that he tried smoking pot "once about three months ago" and "didn't like it". He claims that he got it from a friend of his and has not done any other drugs. Last week he came home from school to let me know that his new guidance counselor would be calling me because he had been called down her office after being referred by a couple of teachers. The guidance counselor did call me & let me know that some of his classmates had told their teachers that they were worried he might be drinking or doing drugs, thus prompting the teachers to call the counselor. We had already talked with Bryn about his pot smoking and I felt pretty comfortable in our conversation & the openess of our relationship. Yesterday, I decided that I needed to check the history on his computer, since we recently allowed him to have internet access in his room. I found the usually porn stuff, which while I'm not too happy about it & we have had conversations about this in the past, he is a teenage boy. I'm not condoning it, but it is what it is. Anyway, I also found things like "emancipation from your parents" & "effects of triple c's (I had to Wiki it....it's Coricidin Cough & Cold) & things on "dextroverse" (again, Wiki'd it....dexomathorphan (sp). In other words, the old getting high off cough medicines. I called our pediatrician and scheduled a drug test for Friday, which Bryn is aware of and has consented to. He told me that he had never done either of these drugs, but that his friend (the same one who supplied the pot) had told about these & he wanted to find out if he could OD on them, or get hurt by taking them, before he actually took them. I am at a loss right now and I don't know what to think or believe.

Now, I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, but I really do feel like a failure at this point. I feel that all I really do is yell and that perhaps having children with such a vast age difference has been detrimental to the emotional health of Bryn. Michael (4) is such a problem child, that I feel like all of my time & energies are spent on him. He is prone to outbursts at any given moment, for no real apparent reason, to physical "violence" (I use that for lack of a better word...although I guess hitting children & being mean for no reason is violence). I often times feel like a prisoner because of Michael & for that reason, we don't really do much outside of our home because of the anxiety I feel when we are in public. I never know if he is going to just walk up a child & push them, or hit them, or when his next outburst will be. I have talked with his Pediatrician about this, but he doesn't really feel it's a problem.

Anyway, this is now rambling and venting. Bryn & Michael are in school & I dropped Daniel off at the church nursery, so I think I will go have a cup of coffee & cry into it....well, I can't cry....I put on mascara this morning. haha

Oh yeah, I also haven't yet told Bryn's father & step-mother about the aforementioned drug use & subsequent drug test. I was pretty distraught at first & needed time to just think, and I really am dreading it. I am hoping that I won't get the response that I am expecting (flying off the handle).

According to my husband, I'm a stay at home mom (by my choice as he likes to tell me when I complain about my day), so I'm not supposed to have any stressors, right? Clothes should be washed & put away, supper should be ready each evening, the kids should not misbehave (because, after all, they are with me all day, so their behavior is a reflection of what I teach them), the house shall be clutter free & I must wear sexy lingerie to bed at night & be willing to perform my "wifely duties" as needed. Whatever. I'm stressed. Period.