The title of this blog, while it sounds good, doesn't really fit my "lifestyle". I need at least 8 more hours in my day and the ability to be on task all of the hours that I am awake. I need to be able to rise at 4:30am, have a cup of coffee, get in the shower & be dressed & ready for the day, by 5:00am would be good. I always have good intentions, a plan laid out in my head, but somewhere along the line, my intentions falter, the plans get changed, etc. I feel a constant knot in my stomach, a feeling that I have missed something, and usually I have. I feel like a Stretch Armstrong doll, being pulled at by my kids & my husband, all of whom are competing for my attention, all of whom want it NOW and all of whom want the attention to be undivided.
Bryn, my 16 year old son told me last night, after my prompting of course, that he does not feel that living here with us, or living at his dads house, is "conducive to his education career". What the hell is that? His "education career" (as he puts it) is a mess. We have gone from tutor to tutor, had conference after conference with his teachers & counselors at school, all to no avail. He told us that he "feels like he is in a hole & doesn't know how to get out" and that he "knows his grades are bad, but (he) doesn't care".
I guess I should back up a bit about Bryn. He let Brian and I know about 2 weeks ago that he tried smoking pot "once about three months ago" and "didn't like it". He claims that he got it from a friend of his and has not done any other drugs. Last week he came home from school to let me know that his new guidance counselor would be calling me because he had been called down her office after being referred by a couple of teachers. The guidance counselor did call me & let me know that some of his classmates had told their teachers that they were worried he might be drinking or doing drugs, thus prompting the teachers to call the counselor. We had already talked with Bryn about his pot smoking and I felt pretty comfortable in our conversation & the openess of our relationship. Yesterday, I decided that I needed to check the history on his computer, since we recently allowed him to have internet access in his room. I found the usually porn stuff, which while I'm not too happy about it & we have had conversations about this in the past, he is a teenage boy. I'm not condoning it, but it is what it is. Anyway, I also found things like "emancipation from your parents" & "effects of triple c's (I had to Wiki it....it's Coricidin Cough & Cold) & things on "dextroverse" (again, Wiki'd it....dexomathorphan (sp). In other words, the old getting high off cough medicines. I called our pediatrician and scheduled a drug test for Friday, which Bryn is aware of and has consented to. He told me that he had never done either of these drugs, but that his friend (the same one who supplied the pot) had told about these & he wanted to find out if he could OD on them, or get hurt by taking them, before he actually took them. I am at a loss right now and I don't know what to think or believe.
Now, I'm not trying to have a pity party for myself, but I really do feel like a failure at this point. I feel that all I really do is yell and that perhaps having children with such a vast age difference has been detrimental to the emotional health of Bryn. Michael (4) is such a problem child, that I feel like all of my time & energies are spent on him. He is prone to outbursts at any given moment, for no real apparent reason, to physical "violence" (I use that for lack of a better word...although I guess hitting children & being mean for no reason is violence). I often times feel like a prisoner because of Michael & for that reason, we don't really do much outside of our home because of the anxiety I feel when we are in public. I never know if he is going to just walk up a child & push them, or hit them, or when his next outburst will be. I have talked with his Pediatrician about this, but he doesn't really feel it's a problem.
Anyway, this is now rambling and venting. Bryn & Michael are in school & I dropped Daniel off at the church nursery, so I think I will go have a cup of coffee & cry into it....well, I can't cry....I put on mascara this morning. haha
Oh yeah, I also haven't yet told Bryn's father & step-mother about the aforementioned drug use & subsequent drug test. I was pretty distraught at first & needed time to just think, and I really am dreading it. I am hoping that I won't get the response that I am expecting (flying off the handle).
According to my husband, I'm a stay at home mom (by my choice as he likes to tell me when I complain about my day), so I'm not supposed to have any stressors, right? Clothes should be washed & put away, supper should be ready each evening, the kids should not misbehave (because, after all, they are with me all day, so their behavior is a reflection of what I teach them), the house shall be clutter free & I must wear sexy lingerie to bed at night & be willing to perform my "wifely duties" as needed. Whatever. I'm stressed. Period.
Lemon Curd Ice Cream
11 hours ago
4 comments:
Holy crap Kat! One of my favorite expressions a few months ago was "WTF!" and I think that may be how you are feeling now.
I don't know how to handle teenage boys, but I do think that you are right in that some of Bryn's behavior is typical. Not what you want, but typical. Perhaps there is something else that is at the root of a lot of what is going on. Peers definitely have a tremendous influence over 16 year olds. But what else is really truly nagging him? He probably doesn't even know, and if he did he wouldn't be able to vocalize it. What other supports do you have down there, and does Rob know about any of this stuff?
Anyway, DO NOT feel bad about having a pity party for yourself, or about how stressed you are about the current state. Whether we work or not, there is incessant guilt and wonder if we are doing right by our children. I think when we are homemakers that it is sometimes intensified by the perceived (or real) expectations of others (in-laws, husbands) have of what we should be accomplishing with our day and with our kids.
The other thing is we will never have the right formula for the most conducive or righteous environment for the raising of our kids. Trust me, I ruminate on it all the time, and worry because of the "special" circumstances that surround my kids. I want so badly for them to feel wanted, loved, accepted not only by us, but by their extended families, which I have no control over, but like each of us that has been brought up before them, you get what you get. And we usually come out OK on the other side.
I don't want to minimize what you are going through, but I want you to know that you are not alone, and you are not doing anything that is so wildly off the mark of good parenting "whatever the heck that is" that it will cause irreparable harm. Well, maybe some that is irreparable, but don't we all have emotional scars that we resent our parents for? We just wouldn't be human if we didn't. But I know that when you have that baby, you vow that you will not do to it what your parents did to you, another source for the unavoidable guilt that comes with parenting.
I don't know what else to say, except that I think you are more than likely doing a bang up job, and we have to allow, to some extent, our kids to be who they are and act as guides so they can be as functional as possible in youth as well as adulthood. Not pot smoking flunkies, or the menace of the preschool, but you know what i mean, i hope.
Just know it is OK ot Be stressed, but also seek some good support. Anybody at your church that you like?
I miss ya, love ya, and will try to be a long distance shoulder as much as I can.
xoxo
I definitely was feeling that way a LOT the last few weeks (WTF), but things have seemingly settled down.
First, his drug test came back negative, so that's a plus. I have grilled him & grilled him then grilled him some more, but his answers were always the same about his one time usage of pot & that his "research" on the computer about Triple C (Coricidin Cough & Cold) & DXM (dexamathorphan--sp??) was simply curiousity because his friend told him that it would get him high. Now, either he is a really (and I mean really) good liar or he is telling me the truth. I might be gullible, but I really do think he is telling the truth, that's not to say that I totally trust him, because I don't, not completely anyway.
By the end of this week, I hope to have a counselor in place. I asked for a referral from his pediatrician, who gave me NOTHING, so I'm wading through all of the LCSW's listed through our insurance, hoping that I find a good fit for him. We have told him that he is going to be seeing a counselor, and that nothing he says will be repeated to us, and that he will have that guarantee from the counselor as well. It kind of bothers me that we won't know anything because on the one hand, if there is something that we can do collectively to help him, I would like to know that, but on the other hand, if whatever is talked about brings about a positive change, then I don't care. As far as a support system goes, I have a (very) few people. Rob knows about what is going on and we had a "pow wow" of sorts yesterday with him, Calene, me & Brian and then we all got together with Bryn. We are all in agreement that perhaps some of his issues may well be from the major life changes that happened in his life from the span of 6/21/02 until 7/21/05. Brian and I got married in June '02, we had Michael 10/31/03, Rob & Calene got married 11/01/03 (YES...the day after I had Michael. My due date was 10/30/03, of which they knew about in Feb/Mar of '03, and still set their wedding date for TWO days after the due date), they had Champ in Dec. '04 & I had Daniel in July '05. Add in there a couple of new houses & moves, middle school & high school & there you have it....the potential for "issues" to develop.
No one else reads this blog with the exception of you, so I didn't feel too bad about having a pity party...at least you listened. Sometimes that's more than I get at home.
It really made me sad & happy at the same time when I read your response. Sad that we live so far apart from one another, sad that I never took the time to keep in touch with you the way that I should have & most of all, sad that I have lived down here for over 15 years and I don't really have any good friends (such as yourself) that would listen and (somewhat) relate to my situation. Happy that you are still my friend, after all of these years; happy that you care enough to take the time to write me such a well thought out, honest, open & heartfelt reply (albeit in language that I don't understand....hahaha :-) **I must say that though I do FINALLY have a really good friend down here. We became friends in Sept. '07 through working at the nursery in the church. She has a 15 year old son (not her's biologically, but his real mother hasn't had contact with him since he was about 4), a 4 year old daughter & 21 month old daughter. Her son is a lot like Bryn behavior wise, so we kind of support one another.** (that was just a note so you didn't think I was totally pathetic!! :-)
I (semi) know what you go through with the boys and their "special" situation....I have the same thing, totally different level & circumstance, but nonetheless, the same thing. Rob's family (mother, sister, aunt, great grandparents...all on mother's side) act as if he doesn't exist. When Champ (Rob & Calene's son) was born, Becky & Bryn were at the nursery window at the hospital & someone asked Becky if this was her first grandchild, to which she replied that she had two grand daughters, but this was her first grandson. That's just one example of how they slight him at every corner, and Rob lets them do it. Bryn has said that he doesn't care if he ever sees them (Becky, et al) again, and whenever they come down here, he will stay at his dad's for a night or two, then he calls to come over here (which, by the way, he is now here at our house on a permanent basis, spending weekends with Rob).
I do believe that I probably over compensated in the area of not wanting the same childhood for Bryn that I had. I wanted to make sure that I was always there for him, and it's quite possible that I was there for him too much, so that will be (one) of his scars to bear. I did not have the skills required to be a mother or a parent to Bryn when I had. As much as I would like to believe it, love & good intentions really aren't enough (kind of like a marriage). I am hopeful that through counseling, he can come to have an understanding that the way in which I raised him came only from love & wanting him to have a better childhood than what I had. I have "friends" down here who had NORMAL childhoods, and it so hard for me to relate to them. I mean, how was it possible that parents were married, didn't drink, didn't just not come home one night, didn't go away for days at a time...I could go on and on, but I think you get the picture. All I can hope for is that, as you put it, he will come out OK on the other side.....although I'm still waiting for to see how I come out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for being so wonderful. I'm so glad that we have "reconnected", even via the internet is better than nothing at all...you are light in my sometimes dark days/weeks. I am very grateful to still be able to call you my friend. And you probably will not know how your post made me feel, just to know that someone, even 300 miles away, cared enough to take the time out of her hectic schedule, to type an uplifting reply for me. Did I mention that you made me cry? (it could have also had something to do with PMS compounding, but nevertheless, tears came.
l♥ve, h♥gs & m♥sses to y♥u
xo♥xo♥
So glad to hear things are looking up! Gettting him a counselor is a wonderful idea. We see lots of really good kids for therapy that have trouble dealing with stuff and so have an "adjustment disorder" and need some extra, nonparental but authoritative guidance. And they will ask Bryn for permission if they think there are things that should be shared with you guys in the name of progress.
I am dumbfounded at the behavior of his paternal family. It hurts no one but Bryn (and breaks your heart). It is reprehensible.
Thanks so much for all your gushing, I am glad you have some good friends, and I too am so glad that we are still friends. We always were, life (and time) just gets away from us sometimes.
I had the yearbook out on Friday night, we had a party for a girl who was leaving work and we had a few too many glasses of wine. Well, it wasnt't pretty. I will fill you in later, through email maybe, slightly less public, but we looked at our aspirations so I got hit with a smack of nostalgia. Luckily by that time of the night only my 2 really good friends from work were here.
Keep blogging...and I love Franklins tower and all, but get some more tunes on your player! If I am going to be hanging out here I want some variety!
love ya!
btw, sorry I made you cry!
and how do you make hearts on your posts?
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