I often times wondering if that is what my life is doing...stagnating. Stagnating....I don't even know if I used correctly or not, that's how "dumbed down" I feel. I absolutely want to stay home with my two younger children and be there for my oldest so that make sure that he is heading in the right direction, so to speak, but I want to enjoy it now and not look back when they are in school and think of all the things that I could have done, or should have done, to make this time more meaningful for them & for me. The problem with that is, I don't know how to do it. I mean, I try, and I have the best of intentions, but often times they fall short. In all of my other jobs, I have always been so proficient, so organized, so on task, all the time....why is this job so much different? It has been four years, and I often where did the time go? Why haven't I even gotten ONE project done? Where did the organization & planning skills go? If raising my kids is my job, shouldn't those skills just flow in the same way that they do when I have an office job?
I don't know, I suppose all of the profound blogs of the LP's have gotten the wheels turning in my head and making me take a better look at who I am and more importantly where I am. I mean, about marriage. I do see myself growing old with my spouse, but at this point, that's all I see. Growing old. What will we do? Will we have friends? Will we be friends? What will we talk about if we are both retired? And about "mid life crises"...I like who I am now and where I am now, but sometimes I just think, what if....I mean, it's only natural (isn't it??). And now, as I approach the last year in my 3rd decade of living, I wonder...will I have a mid-life crisis? Am I having one now? How will I know if I do? So many questions with not enough answers (nor time to try to figure them out!)
Lemon Curd Ice Cream
12 hours ago
4 comments:
I think it is easy to feel as though you are stagnating, especially when you are staying at thome. And structure is difficult to keep at home without any external motivators (like a boss or schedules, etc...) Its that place where you are supposed to feel relaxed at, not performing at.
As for your own edification, do you have any interests that you want to cultivate? what about a class or 2 that you enjoy? A book club? anything that makes you feel like you are contributing and growing intellectually helps me to feel less stagnated. And you are not dumbed down. Although every stay at home parent fells that way at times I think.
Don't take my blogs to heart too much, for someone who never thought she would never blog, I certainly do ramble on, and on, and on, and on, and on. It is sort of like my extra brain, if I think it, I put it out there.I laughed out loud when you said you were like mater from Cars. classic.
And the last little thing, there are so many days that I don't know if I can stand my husband for one more second, let alone for the rest of my life. But I am still crazy about him underneath it all. I think life and kids just take so much out of you it gets lost sometimes. Find it once in a while, dust it off and admire it. A good marriage with real love is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
oops. disregard that double negative about my blogging. ;)
okay, for starters, I just had to look up the word edification...FIVE syllables...I told you, I'm good for 2 maybe 3 tops. Anyway, now that I know what it is, I do have things that I like to do, I just don't have the time to do them. Brian goes to school 3 nights a week not getting home until about 9 - 10 pm on those nights, so usually by the time my day "ends" (ie getting the kids to bed), I start on the next day (getting lunches ready, packing bags, getting breakfast together), after which, I want nothing more than to just sit & let my brain ooze out.
I don't take your posts to heart so much as they just kind of grab me because they are a lot of things that I think about it, possibly too much! At the end of the day, I too, really am in love with my husband, although most times, I also am so annoyed by him that it overshadows the love, and my "lack of interest" overshadows everything else (to him that's what it, to me, it's because my mind & body have been going 100 mph all day & I want to just veg!).
And you know, as I read your blogs, and see all of the well thought out comments, most of which are deep & sometimes profound, I realize something...(especially so with your mid-life crisis one)...they know the you NOW, I don't so much. I really only know the you THEN. I guess it makes a difference then on how I might interpret things differently than they. I love the you now (what I know hehe :-) but I also loved the you then.
ps: glad my Mater comment made you chuckle. That comment alone shows you the level that I am on!!!
YOu are so awesome. That was one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. (actually several of the things you have posted have melted my heart).
I love ya and I am so glad we have blogs!!!!! ( You are almost as funny virtually as you in the flesh)
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